It started very promising. My job now allowed me more free time, through the changes in shift patterns; the girl I had a secret crush on since I first arrived here was now on the same shift as me giving the chance to finally interact beyond “messages” through mutual friends; was even planning on bringing my mom over for a holiday, to show her all the “rustic” villages and scenery around, with which she was fascinated from the British TV shows she was watching. Didn’t know then why she wasn’t so excited about the idea, nor why even when discussing me travelling to Romania, after so many years, wasn’t a priority for her anymore, always “suggesting” a postponement, such as “no point coming by plane, better wait until you can come by car, that way you’ll have more room to get more things from here”… Things were starting to fall into place, for a change. The crush took me by surprise, switching from barely interacting, to issuing an invite to go on holiday for her birthday, as everyone else she asked was either working or busy. Although she stated she’s not ready nor looking for a new relationship, obviously I accepted. I mean, what normal person that has strong feelings towards someone would pass on the one chance to spend some time with that person and get to know each other? Quite a few red flags were raised since the beginning, but I ignored them all, as that’s anyway all I knew and got my whole life… Meanwhile my mom would interact less and more rarely with me. Always finding excuses to end the conversations quickly, as opposed to before when one phone call would last at least one hour. Didn’t pay much attention to that. Was too focused on the crush, whom by now was already causing more sadness than happiness, but I ignored it all, as I always had to fight hard for every ounce of kindness or happiness received from girls I had developed feelings for, so it was “normal” for me. Those close that knew I’m “talking with someone”, while not having details, but observing my behaviour changes, were already advising me to stop chasing the crush, to wake up and see that it’s pointless. I could see that as well, but decided to go against my brain and follow my heart. Every now and then, her attitude would change, displaying positivity, kindness and interest, only to go back to random accusations, arguments, insults and vulgarity shortly after. Then all my mom’s attitude was explained, when she sent me a text, after being constantly pressured by my brother that I should know, informing me that she’s terminally ill. For a while after that I didn’t speak with her. Was communicating with my brother(with whom I haven’t interacted since I decided to leave in 2015). Feeling powerless in this regard, with no control over this life changing event, I decided to “hide” and devoted all my attention to what I thought I could do something about. The ever growing struggle to make the crush see me for who I am in the hopes of achieving a positive outcome. While planning to go back to Romania as soon as possible, the update came from my brother, after numerous tests… “a few months left”. The news crushed me. I accelerated my travel plans and got to see my mom for the last time… While I was there, I was still refusing to give the situation much thought, especially as my mom kept finding reason for me not to visit her daily in the care home she was in, invoking all sort of things, such as going to sleep cause she’s tired, or giving me tasks at home to keep me occupied. So I continued pouring all my attention towards interacting with the crush… towards making things work, no matter how impossible a task she was making it, with her attitude. After returning to the UK, my last discussion with my mother was a huge fight, for a reason I still can’t understand, in which I ended up hanging up on her and sent my brother to check up on her given the things she invoked in the argument. That was my last talk with her… a few days later my brother called me to inform me that her battle is now over. Although we had a big argument prior, about the lack of respect she was treating me with, the first person I felt like informing was the crush. I was refusing to process. I was refusing to acknowledge this event. Since the beginning I did all I could to distract from it. Kept as busy as possible at work, even when feeling on the verge of a breakdown, while holding back tears as to not be seen by anyone… kept forcing communication and interaction with the crush, while constantly with the impression that she doesn’t care at all… all so I could NOT acknowledge what was going on with my mom. Now more than ever I felt a need to close off from it. To deny anything happened. Should mention that one thing the crush always invoked as a reason for fights was me not appreciating the time she was giving me… not appreciating the fact that she even talks to me… even when all the time we spent together was when she wanted to go somewhere… even when all the communication occurred when she finally decided to answer, after spending hours on “seen”, sometimes not even that… Now more than ever I needed to focus on something positive. Now more than ever I needed warmth… The entire week I spent in Romania this second time, when I went to accompany my mom on her final journey, I did not get out of the house except once a day for some food(couldn’t eat) and cigarettes. Shut myself in from any human connection. Except the crush. Now even being accused, or insulted… felt like a better option than dealing with the reality about my mom. Upon returning, the first thing I wished was to spend some time with the crush, to enjoy some pleasant company(usually it was pleasant, without much accusations and/or insults), especially since she was also complaining of having to stay inside the house for so long given some issues. However, I did not expect what was coming… Going to a nice location close-by, while yes, enjoying the company, thoughts came crushing down, as “my mom would have loved it here… this year I would have shown her this place…”. And I started sinking into sadness. But I decided not to show. I decided to push the thoughts away. It was then that I also lost what little shred of hope I had left. It was then when the person I devoted all my attention to even while my mom was dying, decided to show how insignificant I was to her. Her choice of reason for a fight? She demanded I express appreciation towards the fact that she’s honouring me with her company. Because “her time matters”. Obviously that lead to a huge fight, as I had enough. All the disrespect from her, all her selfishness, all the time spent trying to accommodate her every wish… all while disregarding everything and everyone else around me, including myself, all came tumbling down. Finally decided to speak up. Did she understand anything from it? Did she show any remorse? Quite the opposite. I was the bad guy. How dare I accuse her of such things? How dare I say that my time is just as valuable as hers? Few vulgarities thrown in just to make it whole, cause hey… can’t have it without vulgarities… and proceeded to discard me like trash… moving on to the next guy in love with her to whom to tell “I actually only speak with you this much, cause I usually don’t chat on messenger”… to the next guy in love with her to whom to tell “I’m not looking for a relationship now, but let’s spend time together, with you taking me places I wanna travel to, but don’t ever post photos and we must never be seen together because people gossip”…
Every time something bad happened to me, the one person I’d talk to was my mom… not because I needed her advice or anything… just because she was always my person to who I’d release everything bothering me… now? Now I have no one to talk to about my mother’s passing… no one to listen to everything that weights heavy on my heart… no one to tell what keeps me up at night… and now everything comes crushing down on me. The thought that I kind of ignored my mother in her final months, dedicating my time to an ungrateful selfish person just hoping that would bring some shred of happiness in my miserable existence. The thought that my last discussion with my mom was a huge fight. The thought that she maybe passed away angry at me. The thought that I’m now completely alone on this god awful planet.
But now… now keeping busy at work no longer helps… I’m daily on the verge of breaking down… daily holding back tears and trying to display a smile… daily shutting up in the middle of conversations, because I feel tears coming and have to focus on not crying… not sleeping at all, or waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall asleep again… not eating more than one small meal a day, sometimes not even that… always feeling nauseous… throwing up more often than before, especially in the morning… in my off days I’m barely going out of the house to buy cigarettes, nothing else… even retreating in a game, or movie, or music, no longer brings any comfort.
But this is not a cry for help. I don’t need people talking to me(they don’t do under normal circumstances and I’m ok with that). I don’t need more friends. This is so whoever made it this far reading, understands what I’m going through and stops asking me “how are you?” to which I always answer “ok” as I don’t feel like anyone is willing to listen to the truth, or understand it. Stop forcing communication if you see I don’t feel like interacting, as that only forces me to put on a smile and pretend I’m fine, while my thoughts are anything but. Stop constantly telling me “everything will be alright”, as I no longer believe in that.
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