I`ll die alone... ^_^

E clar. I`ll die alone! Nu am fost/sunt/voi fi genul vreunei fete :D Ca dovada sta discutia care`am avut`o cu o domnisoara, noaptea trecuta. In discutia respectiva reiese ca nu ma incadram, din cauza unei perceptii gresite in ceea ce priveste persoana mea. Si nu este singura de genul. De multe ori sunt catalogat gresit de oameni(nu doar de fete). Dar, culmea, mereu o catalogare gresita, negativa pentru mine :)) Pentru ca, in cazurile`n care ceea ce sunt ma dezavantajeaza, catalogarea este, mereu, corecta :))

-Si asa deci... Ca sa revin... Recunosti ca eram naspa =))

-Nu erai naspa, dpmdv aveai o alura de baiat rau si pe mine una ma speriai;)

-Say what? EU baiat rau? =)))))))))))

-Da. Ma speriai;)

-Teoretic... A luat`o la fuga un borac, pe strada, cand eram in a 10`a dupa ce s`a uitat la mine... Dar totusi... =))

Si expunea si doua trasaturi fizice, una fiind inaltimea(Pe vremea aia, aveam intre 1.75 si 1.80. Acum, 1.88), care`mi creau in ochii ei alura de baiat rau :D Punchline`ul este ca nu eram catalogat ca "Bad boy" in general. 99% din persoane ar fi raspuns "Un fraier." la intrebarea "Cine/Cum este Rusu`?" :)) 95% ar da acelasi raspuns si`n ziua de azi...

Dar, deja m`am obisnuit. Sa`ncerc sa fiu altfel decat sunt, n`am de gand s`o fac vreodata. Fiecare e liber sa ma eticheze cum crede. In cazul etichetelor gresite, nu ma obosesc sa`ncerc sa le schimb, pentru ca, desi unele ma afecteaza, avand de pierdut enorm din cauza lor, singura persoana in fata careia sunt dator sa dovedesc ceva, sunt eu insumi. Ori... Eu stiu cum sunt, cine sunt si ceea ce sunt capabil. N`am nevoie de dovezi :)

airaM-ailuI ((:

Lately I've been asking myself one particular question more often than ever before. "What if?" A question that only stands to show I'm regreting certain actions or paths chosen in the past, atleast on a subconcious level. A question that serves no purpose other than to sink me deeper in the bottomless pit of depression. A question that I always wanted to avoid. Most of the times by taking, what some might consider, irrational decisions. But it seams that question finally caught up with me. And it`s hitting me from all sides, forcing me to admit I was wrong on more than one occasion. Sadly, I don`t see what I can do about most of these things, now. Although I consider myself a highly intelligent being(or maybe precisely because of that), I fail to find a path to fix those errors. Ain`t even sure about what triggered this stampede of "What if?" questions. Smart money`s on a girl. That seams to always be the case when it comes to my depressions. I suspect that`s the current decisive factor aswell. Why? Because it all started with adding a, what was then a, random girl from the "People You May Know" tab. Only had two common friends, with which I went to school and haven`t spoken to ever since, but something about her caught my eye. I like adding certain people that arouse my curiosity in some way, and observing them(that sounds creepy :P). Getting to know`em through their actions/interactions on facebook. Well as it turns out, this particular girl is causing me a lot of problems without even knowing I exist =)). After a short while I was quite fascinated with her as a person. Later, it turned out we had more than just two common friends. And after some digging into the matter I found out we actually attended the same school, she being one grade bellow. I simply can`t imagine how I managed to spend 6 years in that school without ever knowing this girl exists. Oh... And even my brother knows her 0_o. What`s up with that, I ask... It seams EVERYONE knew this girl, EXCEPT ME 0_o. And as time passed I got more and more fascinated by her. Even though, to this day, I am yet to say atleast ONE word to her :P I just keep observing on FB... Atleast she`s giving me something to do, being very active :)) And so that annoying question started. It started as "What if I`d have known her before?"(like... a few years back), but that one has an easy answer: "She had a boyfriend, so you couldn`t have done nothing about it". Followed by "What if you`d have been more "active" when you were in school, instead of being a total loser? Maybe you`d have noticed her, or atleast she`d have noticed you...". But that one falls all the same, since, even though I`m the kind that could hold on to a relationship for that long, and from what I`ve heard, she`s also that kind of person, I doubt we`d have made it this far. And a break`up, even in the early stages of development(such as elemantary school), rarely leave a door open for another chance in the future, once all grown`up. "What if you wouldn`t have moved to Timisoara, chosing to do something with your life in Bucharest, instead? Now you`d have had something to offer.", "What if, after failing in Timisoara and returning to Bucharest, you`d have done something with your life instead of crying yourself to sleep after a girl that wasn`t worth a single tear? Now you`d have had something to offer.", "What if, instead of wasting all your money on wild goose chases, you`d have saved it, or invested in something? Now you`d have had something to offer."... All valid questions. And once all those questions started, other, from different aspects of my life, followed to assure an air tight siege on my sanity. If I`d have been asked "Do you regret your choices?", even... two months ago, I`d have said "I do not."... But now... Now I`ll slowly lose my mind reconsidering every decision I`ve made since I was born... And all because of one girl. But then again... That`s just the way I am... One girl can affect every aspect of my life, completly. One girl can cause more damage to me, than an army of 1000 haters. Just one girl, is enough to ruin me :) Afterall, Chucky(Barbelian Paul-ioan)did predict one girl would be what kills me, back in 2003 or 2004 :) As it stands, I`ve fallen for this one certain girl so hard, without ever talking to her... Without ever seeing her(except FB)... She`s just... PERFECT from what I know about her. But there`s nothing I can do about it. Probably never will. Past choices have brought me here. WRONG choices -.- Even though I`ve admited to myself I stand no chance of ever being with her, I can`t stop thinking about it. And as I think, all those questions keep hitting me, causing more and more sorrow and dispair, until I`ll probably lose my mind all together. But that just life`s cruel way of laughing in your face...