2023, the year that broke me

It started very promising. My job now allowed me more free time, through the changes in shift patterns; the girl I had a secret crush on since I first arrived here was now on the same shift as me giving the chance to finally interact beyond “messages” through mutual friends; was even planning on bringing my mom over for a holiday, to show her all the “rustic” villages and scenery around, with which she was fascinated from the British TV shows she was watching. Didn’t know then why she wasn’t so excited about the idea, nor why even when discussing me travelling to Romania, after so many years, wasn’t a priority for her anymore, always “suggesting” a postponement, such as “no point coming by plane, better wait until you can come by car, that way you’ll have more room to get more things from here”… Things were starting to fall into place, for a change. The crush took me by surprise, switching from barely interacting, to issuing an invite to go on holiday for her birthday, as everyone else she asked was either working or busy. Although she stated she’s not ready nor looking for a new relationship, obviously I accepted. I mean, what normal person that has strong feelings towards someone would pass on the one chance to spend some time with that person and get to know each other? Quite a few red flags were raised since the beginning, but I ignored them all, as that’s anyway all I knew and got my whole life… Meanwhile my mom would interact less and more rarely with me. Always finding excuses to end the conversations quickly, as opposed to before when one phone call would last at least one hour. Didn’t pay much attention to that. Was too focused on the crush, whom by now was already causing more sadness than happiness, but I ignored it all, as I always had to fight hard for every ounce of kindness or happiness received from girls I had developed feelings for, so it was “normal” for me. Those close that knew I’m “talking with someone”, while not having details, but observing my behaviour changes, were already advising me to stop chasing the crush, to wake up and see that it’s pointless. I could see that as well, but decided to go against my brain and follow my heart. Every now and then, her attitude would change, displaying positivity, kindness and interest, only to go back to random accusations, arguments, insults and vulgarity shortly after. Then all my mom’s attitude was explained, when she sent me a text, after being constantly pressured by my brother that I should know, informing me that she’s terminally ill. For a while after that I didn’t speak with her. Was communicating with my brother(with whom I haven’t interacted since I decided to leave in 2015). Feeling powerless in this regard, with no control over this life changing event, I decided to “hide” and devoted all my attention to what I thought I could do something about. The ever growing struggle to make the crush see me for who I am in the hopes of achieving a positive outcome. While planning to go back to Romania as soon as possible, the update came from my brother, after numerous tests… “a few months left”. The news crushed me. I accelerated my travel plans and got to see my mom for the last time… While I was there, I was still refusing to give the situation much thought, especially as my mom kept finding reason for me not to visit her daily in the care home she was in, invoking all sort of things, such as going to sleep cause she’s tired, or giving me tasks at home to keep me occupied. So I continued pouring all my attention towards interacting with the crush… towards making things work, no matter how impossible a task she was making it, with her attitude. After returning to the UK, my last discussion with my mother was a huge fight, for a reason I still can’t understand, in which I ended up hanging up on her and sent my brother to check up on her given the things she invoked in the argument. That was my last talk with her… a few days later my brother called me to inform me that her battle is now over. Although we had a big argument prior, about the lack of respect she was treating me with, the first person I felt like informing was the crush. I was refusing to process. I was refusing to acknowledge this event. Since the beginning I did all I could to distract from it. Kept as busy as possible at work, even when feeling on the verge of a breakdown, while holding back tears as to not be seen by anyone… kept forcing communication and interaction with the crush, while constantly with the impression that she doesn’t care at all… all so I could NOT acknowledge what was going on with my mom. Now more than ever I felt a need to close off from it. To deny anything happened. Should mention that one thing the crush always invoked as a reason for fights was me not appreciating the time she was giving me… not appreciating the fact that she even talks to me… even when all the time we spent together was when she wanted to go somewhere… even when all the communication occurred when she finally decided to answer, after spending hours on “seen”, sometimes not even that… Now more than ever I needed to focus on something positive. Now more than ever I needed warmth… The entire week I spent in Romania this second time, when I went to accompany my mom on her final journey, I did not get out of the house except once a day for some food(couldn’t eat) and cigarettes. Shut myself in from any human connection. Except the crush. Now even  being accused, or insulted… felt like a better option than dealing with the reality about my mom. Upon returning, the first thing I wished was to spend some time with the crush, to enjoy some pleasant company(usually it was pleasant, without much accusations and/or insults), especially since she was also complaining of having to stay inside the house for so long given some issues. However, I did not expect what was coming… Going to a nice location close-by, while yes, enjoying the company, thoughts came crushing down, as “my mom would have loved it here… this year I would have shown her this place…”. And I started sinking into sadness. But I decided not to show. I decided to push the thoughts away. It was then that I also lost what little shred of hope I had left. It was then when the person I devoted all my attention to even while my mom was dying, decided to show how insignificant I was to her. Her choice of reason for a fight? She demanded I express appreciation towards the fact that she’s honouring me with her company. Because “her time matters”. Obviously that lead to a huge fight, as I had enough. All the disrespect from her, all her selfishness, all the time spent trying to accommodate her every wish… all while disregarding everything and everyone else around me, including myself, all came tumbling down. Finally decided to speak up. Did she understand anything from it? Did she show any remorse? Quite the opposite. I was the bad guy. How dare I accuse her of such things? How dare I say that my time is just as valuable as hers? Few vulgarities thrown in just to make it whole, cause hey… can’t have it without vulgarities… and proceeded to discard me like trash… moving on to the next guy in love with her to whom to tell “I actually only speak with you this much, cause I usually don’t chat on messenger”… to the next guy in love with her to whom to tell “I’m not looking for a relationship now, but let’s spend time together, with you taking me places I wanna travel to, but don’t ever post photos and we must never be seen together because people gossip”… 

Every time something bad happened to me, the one person I’d talk to was my mom… not because I needed her advice or anything… just because she was always my person to who I’d release everything bothering me… now? Now I have no one to talk to about my mother’s passing… no one to listen to everything that weights heavy on my heart… no one to tell what keeps me up at night… and now everything comes crushing down on me. The thought that I kind of ignored my mother in her final months, dedicating my time to an ungrateful selfish person just hoping that would bring some shred of happiness in my miserable existence. The thought that my last discussion with my mom was a huge fight. The thought that she maybe passed away angry at me. The thought that I’m now completely alone on this god awful planet. 

But now… now keeping busy at work no longer helps… I’m daily on the verge of breaking down… daily holding back tears and trying to display a smile… daily shutting up in the middle of conversations, because I feel tears coming and have to focus on not crying… not sleeping at all, or waking up in the middle of the night unable to fall asleep again… not eating more than one small meal a day, sometimes not even that… always feeling nauseous… throwing up more often than before, especially in the morning… in my off days I’m barely going out of the house to buy cigarettes, nothing else… even retreating in a game, or movie, or music, no longer brings any comfort.

But this is not a cry for help. I don’t need people talking to me(they don’t do under normal circumstances and I’m ok with that). I don’t need more friends. This is so whoever made it this far reading, understands what I’m going through and stops asking me “how are you?” to which I always answer “ok” as I don’t feel like anyone is willing to listen to the truth, or understand it. Stop forcing communication if you see I don’t feel like interacting, as that only forces me to put on a smile and pretend I’m fine, while my thoughts are anything but. Stop constantly telling me “everything will be alright”, as I no longer believe in that. 

Love...

Someone told me "I used to love you, but I then started thinking you didn`t love me back, so I got past it". That`s a load of bullshit. "Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don't love to be loved; we love to love.". Love asks for nothing in return. There`s no such thing as "I love you BECAUSE...". There`s only "I love you!". Just like there`s no such thing as "I love you BUT...". Love is PURE. Love is without reason. Love is when you don`t need the loved one to do anything to make you happy, but to be happy because he/she is happy. Love is when you don`t feel the need to change the person to suit your needs, but when you see them as the perfect person for you. As they say... "True love is knowing a person's faults, and loving them even more for them.". Whenever you need to change the person you "love", you don`t actually love them. You "love" what you COULD make`em, not what they ARE. And that`s not love. Loving what one could be after YOU CHANGE THEM, is loving someone else, loving an idea, an illusion. Also, to love is not expecting to recieve and getting mad when you don`t, but GIVING without expecting ANYTHING in return. To love is to ACCEPT even the bad traits of one`s character. To love is to FORGIVE even the biggest mistakes. They say "Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.". Are we to understand that if one`s love for you, fades away with time, it wasn`t as true as we thought? In my opinion, yes. For they also say "True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away". Which makes it clearer. We only fall in love ONCE in a lifetime. Love ain`t rare, as some, wrongly believe. Love is UNIQUE! "True love endures, if it does not, then it was never true.". TRUE love will never die, no matter what the person you love does, or for how long you`ve been apart. I`ve heard a lot of people say that one should move on, when they break up with the person they love. But then again "Only a person who has not felt true love can move on in life saying 'There are lots of other fish in the sea.'". And that`s a fact! Once you get to feel true love, you simply can`t get past it, no matter what happens. Atleast some people have the decency of admiting "I thought I was in love with him, but now that I met X I know what love actually is". Most have the audacity of saying "I loved you with all my heart. But now I love him...". There`s NO SUCH THING. That`s what distinguishes love from other feelings. Its UNIQUENESS. You can`t erase the love you have for someone, just to love someone else. Either you love, or you don`t. There`s no SECOND love. There`s only LOVE. Whenever you can get past it, it wasn`t love to begin with. Love wouldn`t be the SUPREME feeling, if it would just go away like any other feeling.

A fost odata...

I keep wondering why, when all is said and done, we`re the ones responsable for what others provoque with their silence and immaturity...

Era odata ca`n povesti,
Era in Timisoara...

In toamna anului 2005 am cunoscut, online, o fata din Timisoara. Initial nu i`am dat prea multa importanta, fiind doar o adversara, slaba, la trivia, dar a reusit, prin cine stie ce mijloace inca neelucidate, sa`mi capteze atentia. In scurt timp eram deja indragostit de ea, desi n`o vazusem niciodata "live". Din clipa aia aveam un singur scop in viata. S`o fac parte din viata mea. Am reusit, aparent, dupa o luna si ceva. "Vorbeam" prin mijloacele virtuale ce le`aveam la`ndemana, ore in sir, in fiecare noapte. Numarul ei nu`l aveam, pentru ca nu avea mobil si nu vroia ca parintii ei sa vada ca o suna un baiat cu numar de bucuresti... Dar am reusit sa facem fata acestor inconveniente. Nu stiu daca ea vedea un viitor alaturi de mine, data fiind distanta dintre noi si lipsa mijloacelor ce ne`ar putea folosii pentru a fi, cu adevarat impreuna, insa niciodata nu mi`a dat de inteles ca nu ar avea, macar, o doza de optimism in ceea ce priveste viitorul nostu, ca cuplu. Ma rog... Mai putin de Craciun, cand a avut loc prima noastra "despartire", in urma afirmatilor ei, ce dadeau de`nteles ca a luat totul in gluma. M`am simitit ingrozitor, in momentul ala. Eu chiar o iubeam. O visam si nu stiam cum sa fac sa fiu langa ea si ea ma luase in gluma...  Ne`am "despartit" pentru, vreo doua saptamani. Un gest impulsiv din partea mea, dar nu puteam sa omit faptul ca ea nu credea nimic din ceea ce`i spuneam. Dar ne`am impacat, dupa ce, pe langa insistentele mele, au intervenit si cativa amici "virtuali" comuni, ce`au facut lobby in privinta sentimentelor mele. In Ianuarie 2006 am reusit sa ne vedem pentru prima oara. Am fost 2 zile in Timisoara. Excluzand noaptea geroasa petrecuta pe strazile Timisoarei, au fost 2 zile foarte frumoase. A urmat apoi inca o "despartire" virtuala, in Martie 2006. Imi petrecusem noaptea, creand un clip, special pentru ea, ca Martisor. Normal, in cursul zilei am dormit, trezindu`ma, abia, seara tarziu. Ea a luat acest lucru ca pe`o dovada a neseriozitatii mele, in ceea ce`o priveste, combinata fiind cu o discutie avuta online, ce ea a interpretat`o gresit, pronind de la o premisa gresita. Aceasta a fost si cea mai lunga. Nu a mai existat nici o cale de`mpacare, indiferent de actiunile mele, pana`n Iunie 2006, cand am reusit sa obtin resursele necesare pentru a ma muta in Timisoara. Am contactat`o cand am ajuns acolo cu un amic, cu intentia de a`mi cumpara un apartament in zona ei, si`am cautat impacarea. Impacarea a venit la doua zile dupa ce eu am achitat apartamentul, desi, dadea indicii ca ar vrea sa ne`mpacam, inca de la prima revedere. A urmat o perioada de "adaptare" la standardele ei "banatene", eu fiind un "mitic" ce se comporta ca atare. Dar am reusit, intr`un final sa ma conformez tuturor cerintelor. I`am cumparat si catelusul mult dorit, in Iulie. Imi tot spunea ca vrea un catelus micut. Eu avand in Bucuresti doi Yorkshire Terrier, am zis sa iau unul si pentru ea, in Timisoara, sau un Bichon Maltese. Nu aveau. Au spus ca au Westie. Cunoscand si rasa respectiva, am cerut sa`mi aduca unul. Era asa timida, cand au sosit cei doi Westie, masculi, ce`i aveau... Au adus doi, ca sa`si aleaga, ea insa, parca se temea sa`i atinga... Se uita la ei de la distanta, de parca apropierea de ei i`ar fi ranit... Pana la urma m`am apucat eu sa`i mangai ca s`o incurajez sa se apropie. A facut`o si l`a ales pe cel mai cuminte. Sincer sa fiu, i`as fi luat pe amandoi, dar, cardul mi`a refuzat tranzactia, atingand limit pe ziua respectiva si neavand suficienti bani "cash" pentru amandiu. Prima cearta, a avut loc de Craciun, in 2006. Ea dorea sarbatorirea Craciunului, ca la carte... Eu fiind ateu si considerand orice sarbatoare religioasa ca fiind o pierdere de timp. Am facut, insa, un compromis(din partea mea) si`am petrecut o noapte intreaga decorandu`mi apartamentul cu tot felul de luminite, globuri si ghirlande, ca s`o surprind a doua zi, ei zicandu`i ca eu NU serbez Craciunul, mai ales in urma decesului tatalui meu, considerand ca "Cineva lipseste...". Bucuria ce se putea citii pe fata ei cand a vazut rezultatul final, era si este de nedescris. Era fascinata de fiecare decoratie in parte... Iar eu eram in culmea fericirii ca am reusit sa`i aduc aceasta bucurie persoanei iubite(eram deja "mort" dupa ea). Insa, nimic nu poate fi perfect. Eu nu gasisem un brad frumos, luand decizia de a sarbatorii Craciunul, tarziu. Si, decat sa iau cel mai nasol brad, posibil, am ales sa nu iau deloc. Asta, se pare, a deranjat`o. Ne`am certat, ea insinuand ca nu`mi pasa de dorintele ei. Ca, degeaba am facut restul, daca n`am facut TOT. Asta, combinata cu faptul ca in urma unor probleme medicale, n`am iesit din casa sa`i cumpar un cadou, alegand sa`i daruiesc un telefon ce`l aveam inca`n cutie, eu nefolosindu`l, a dus la prima despartire, considerand ca eu nu o iubesc, din moment ce nu am pus suflet in cadoul respectiv. Dupa cateva zile de "milogeala" ne`am impacat. Tin sa precizez ca au mai existat certuri, pana`n momentul ala. De exemplu, faptul ca eu i`am dat fostei, care inca locuia in Bucuresti cu mama mea, bani sa`si cumpere telefon, a fost un motiv de cearta. Sa zicem ca avea dreptate, desi, eu eram si sunt genul care nu poate sa refuze o fata, cand imi cere ajutorul, daca`l pot acorda... La scurt timp dupa Craciun am gasit un comentariu de`al ei, pe un site de socializare, adresat unui individ... Ala`i urase sa`i aduca mosul, tot ce`si doreste, ea replicand ca "Nu incapi in sacul mosului, deci nu`mi poate aduce tot ce`mi doresc.". Ca orice om NORMAL, m`a deranjat enorm. Ne`am certat la telefon, ea scuzandu`se, insistand ca era in spirit de gluma si ca e doar "un comentariu virtual", ne`ntelegand ca eu puneam destula importanta pe ceea ce se`ntampla virtual, drumul nostru impreuna luand nastere virtual... A doua zi, la prima ora, m`am prezentat la geamul ei cu un trandafir rosu, simtindu`ma naspa ca discutia noastra s`a incheiat asa... Mai mereu ii faceam cadouri... Fie ele flori sau maimutoi de plus... De`a lungul relatiei noastre, orice model nou de maimutoi care`l vedeam intr`un magazin, il cumparam, desi, intr`un final incepusem sa am probleme financiare. Nu cred ca era un model de maimutoi in Timisoara care sa nu`l aiba. Mi`a reprosat lucrul asta, ulterior, zicand ca nu de maimutoi avea ea nevoie... Dar, altceva, cand ii ofeream, refuza sa`i cumpar. Dupa despartirea "finala", mi`a reprosat si ca nu i`am cumparat nici o bjuterie, eu imediat conformandu`ma, desi eram despartiti si cumparandu`i un inel de aur. Dar, pe moment nu mi`am adus aminte ca a avut ocazia, o data, sa primeasca de la mine un inel de 40+ mil, dar a zis ca NU vrea sa dau atatia bani pentru ea... La vremea respectiva faceam ce zicea ea, neconsiderand ca "Chiar daca ea refuza, eu tot ii cumpar"... CHIAR i`as fi luat inelul respectiv, daca ea`mi zicea ca`i place. Poate, si eu eram, inca, imatur, la vremea respectiva...

To be continued...

I`ll die alone... ^_^

E clar. I`ll die alone! Nu am fost/sunt/voi fi genul vreunei fete :D Ca dovada sta discutia care`am avut`o cu o domnisoara, noaptea trecuta. In discutia respectiva reiese ca nu ma incadram, din cauza unei perceptii gresite in ceea ce priveste persoana mea. Si nu este singura de genul. De multe ori sunt catalogat gresit de oameni(nu doar de fete). Dar, culmea, mereu o catalogare gresita, negativa pentru mine :)) Pentru ca, in cazurile`n care ceea ce sunt ma dezavantajeaza, catalogarea este, mereu, corecta :))

-Si asa deci... Ca sa revin... Recunosti ca eram naspa =))

-Nu erai naspa, dpmdv aveai o alura de baiat rau si pe mine una ma speriai;)

-Say what? EU baiat rau? =)))))))))))

-Da. Ma speriai;)

-Teoretic... A luat`o la fuga un borac, pe strada, cand eram in a 10`a dupa ce s`a uitat la mine... Dar totusi... =))

Si expunea si doua trasaturi fizice, una fiind inaltimea(Pe vremea aia, aveam intre 1.75 si 1.80. Acum, 1.88), care`mi creau in ochii ei alura de baiat rau :D Punchline`ul este ca nu eram catalogat ca "Bad boy" in general. 99% din persoane ar fi raspuns "Un fraier." la intrebarea "Cine/Cum este Rusu`?" :)) 95% ar da acelasi raspuns si`n ziua de azi...

Dar, deja m`am obisnuit. Sa`ncerc sa fiu altfel decat sunt, n`am de gand s`o fac vreodata. Fiecare e liber sa ma eticheze cum crede. In cazul etichetelor gresite, nu ma obosesc sa`ncerc sa le schimb, pentru ca, desi unele ma afecteaza, avand de pierdut enorm din cauza lor, singura persoana in fata careia sunt dator sa dovedesc ceva, sunt eu insumi. Ori... Eu stiu cum sunt, cine sunt si ceea ce sunt capabil. N`am nevoie de dovezi :)

airaM-ailuI ((:

Lately I've been asking myself one particular question more often than ever before. "What if?" A question that only stands to show I'm regreting certain actions or paths chosen in the past, atleast on a subconcious level. A question that serves no purpose other than to sink me deeper in the bottomless pit of depression. A question that I always wanted to avoid. Most of the times by taking, what some might consider, irrational decisions. But it seams that question finally caught up with me. And it`s hitting me from all sides, forcing me to admit I was wrong on more than one occasion. Sadly, I don`t see what I can do about most of these things, now. Although I consider myself a highly intelligent being(or maybe precisely because of that), I fail to find a path to fix those errors. Ain`t even sure about what triggered this stampede of "What if?" questions. Smart money`s on a girl. That seams to always be the case when it comes to my depressions. I suspect that`s the current decisive factor aswell. Why? Because it all started with adding a, what was then a, random girl from the "People You May Know" tab. Only had two common friends, with which I went to school and haven`t spoken to ever since, but something about her caught my eye. I like adding certain people that arouse my curiosity in some way, and observing them(that sounds creepy :P). Getting to know`em through their actions/interactions on facebook. Well as it turns out, this particular girl is causing me a lot of problems without even knowing I exist =)). After a short while I was quite fascinated with her as a person. Later, it turned out we had more than just two common friends. And after some digging into the matter I found out we actually attended the same school, she being one grade bellow. I simply can`t imagine how I managed to spend 6 years in that school without ever knowing this girl exists. Oh... And even my brother knows her 0_o. What`s up with that, I ask... It seams EVERYONE knew this girl, EXCEPT ME 0_o. And as time passed I got more and more fascinated by her. Even though, to this day, I am yet to say atleast ONE word to her :P I just keep observing on FB... Atleast she`s giving me something to do, being very active :)) And so that annoying question started. It started as "What if I`d have known her before?"(like... a few years back), but that one has an easy answer: "She had a boyfriend, so you couldn`t have done nothing about it". Followed by "What if you`d have been more "active" when you were in school, instead of being a total loser? Maybe you`d have noticed her, or atleast she`d have noticed you...". But that one falls all the same, since, even though I`m the kind that could hold on to a relationship for that long, and from what I`ve heard, she`s also that kind of person, I doubt we`d have made it this far. And a break`up, even in the early stages of development(such as elemantary school), rarely leave a door open for another chance in the future, once all grown`up. "What if you wouldn`t have moved to Timisoara, chosing to do something with your life in Bucharest, instead? Now you`d have had something to offer.", "What if, after failing in Timisoara and returning to Bucharest, you`d have done something with your life instead of crying yourself to sleep after a girl that wasn`t worth a single tear? Now you`d have had something to offer.", "What if, instead of wasting all your money on wild goose chases, you`d have saved it, or invested in something? Now you`d have had something to offer."... All valid questions. And once all those questions started, other, from different aspects of my life, followed to assure an air tight siege on my sanity. If I`d have been asked "Do you regret your choices?", even... two months ago, I`d have said "I do not."... But now... Now I`ll slowly lose my mind reconsidering every decision I`ve made since I was born... And all because of one girl. But then again... That`s just the way I am... One girl can affect every aspect of my life, completly. One girl can cause more damage to me, than an army of 1000 haters. Just one girl, is enough to ruin me :) Afterall, Chucky(Barbelian Paul-ioan)did predict one girl would be what kills me, back in 2003 or 2004 :) As it stands, I`ve fallen for this one certain girl so hard, without ever talking to her... Without ever seeing her(except FB)... She`s just... PERFECT from what I know about her. But there`s nothing I can do about it. Probably never will. Past choices have brought me here. WRONG choices -.- Even though I`ve admited to myself I stand no chance of ever being with her, I can`t stop thinking about it. And as I think, all those questions keep hitting me, causing more and more sorrow and dispair, until I`ll probably lose my mind all together. But that just life`s cruel way of laughing in your face...

iooooooi....

Noh, ca n`am mai scris de mult =)) Dar cui ii arde de asa ceva? Poate celor ce`s happy :P Ce s`a mai intamplat.... Pai se pare ca m`au "gasit" colegii din generala pe FB... Chiar uitasem c`am avut asa ceva(colegi ma refer :P nu cont pe FB) :)) Catziva, i`am mai vazut dupa ce`am terminat. Dar asa... inamplator, pe strada, sau in cine stie ce liceu mai mergeam(ca vizitator :)) dupa fetele altora :P Am fost mai prezent in alte licee, decat in propriul liceu =)) ). Si m`a cuprins si mai tare depresia uitandu`ma prin pozele si prin "informatziile" lor :) Totzi o duc bne =)) Totzi au macar o facultate terminata... Numai eu... vai steaua mea :)) Si cica vor reuniune :P Oh da DA =)) Ma grabesc sa ma prezint, sa fiu intrebat "Si ce`ai mai facut?" si sa raspund "Mi`am ratat viatza" :)) As putea, ce`i drept, sa adopt aceeasi atitudine ce m`a caracterizat in generala... Si`anume sa TAC =)) Sa stau "in banca mea", tacut. Dar ma indoiesc c`ar "tzine" figura asta, acuma. Posibil, totusi, sa ma prezint cand se va face o reuniune mai mare... nu doar CATZIVA :)) Nu de alta, da` nu vreau sa fiu "THAT guy"... Cel putzin in ochii lor... Pt ca, e clar ca ei ar percepe refuzul meu, ca o actziune aroganta. "Uite`l si p`asta... Se considera prea important pentru a ne onora cu prezentza, dupa ce am trecut prin atatea impreuna"... Adevarul e ca am trecut prin multe impreuna cu cei din generala... Mai ales printr`o ratacire`n muntzi =)) Dar n`au fost totzi, atunci... Pacat :)) Poate daca erau totzi, reuseau sa ma omoare :P Nu ca n`ar fi incercat :)) Muresan, aproape a reusit :)) Catziva centimetri mai sus, daca ma lovea piatra, sigur eram two feet under, acuma :P Dar, desi`mi aduc aminte, TOT, din perioada aia, mai "grele" is amintirile nefericite... Cum ar fi, refuzurile ce le`am primit in cei 4 ani, in care mi`au fost colegi, de la fete :P (desi, nu ar trebui sa ma plang... e vina mea ca eram asa cum eram, pe vremea aia. Dar totusi ma plang :P)... Cum ar fi, mistourile care se faceau pe seama mea... Eh... Multe amintiri neplacute... Greseala mea c`am fost mereu un fraier :)) Si inca sunt de altfel... Nu stiu... Nu ma pot purta altfel. Asta sunt, si asta voi fi mereu. La o adica, eu oricum sunt mandru ca`s asa. Prefer sa schimb lumea decat sa ma schimb eu, iar daca lumea nu merge schimbata... ma lipsesc :)) Mi`e bne singur... Intr`o oarecare masura... Atata ca nah... Acu`, in timp ce ei o sa aiba cu ce se lauda, eu o sa stau si`o sa ma simt loser`ul clasei :)) E adevarat ca m`am resemnat cu ideea ca asta sunt, dar totusi nu cred c`o sa`mi prinda bne, sa stau intr`un mediu, care`mi aduce aminte ca sunt :P Hell... acu` vreo 7 ani, m`a apucat plansul de revelion, doar pt ca eram inconjurat de cupluri, la un concert, si eu ma simtzeam singur... D`apai acuma... Cred ca, dupa reuniune, o sa`mi pun streangul de gat =)) Si, desi n`o sa fac asa ceva, sigur o sa`mi imaginez cum atarn in streang =)) Dar... Tre` s`o fac si p`asta. Noroc ca`s obisnuit cu palmele primite de la viatza :)) O s`o mai primesc si p`asta, ca sa nu zica ei ca`s nesimtzit, ca oricum va dura putzin, apoi altzi 10 ani de "liniste" :)) Si poate cu putzin noroc, nu mai prind urmatoarea reuniune =))

Incep sa ma enervez...

Devine enervant faptul ca nu reusesc sa fac sa mearga domeniul fara www =)) Curand cred ca, crizez :))